My friends say something is wrong with me.
I have this flaw that drives them up to the wall, infuriates them and it seems I am the only one who cannot seem to see it.
It was really a beautiful day before it all went down the gutters. Now, am knee deep in the murk of my mind trying to figure out what’s this thing that I have got that makes people so mad at me.
This ought to be my very first, 1000 words project and it had better be worthwhile and feel good.
Apparently, I do not get things. Shit is clear right in front of me and it just flows on by. Or maybe am on my menses and am just over-reacting, again.
I really have no idea what is happening around me right now. I wish people would just speak up and not expect me to just figure it out. I am flawed. Very, actually but still redeemable.
When did I become the villain? When did I fail this test? Don’t I know how to love anymore? But again, when did I start caring this much? When did it begin to hurt this bad?
I need to know when the rain started beating us…when it stopped being fun to play in the rain. I need to know why I cry in front of the mirror.
Am talking to myself again. My bladder is full, again. My right eye won’t stop twitching and my fingers desperately want to intertwine with yours but you are so far away from me…and you drifted away even without a backward glance.
Heard that Shawn Mendes wants to get heartbroken so that he could write up some songs from it…but the dude got no idea of what he is signing up for. This shit hurts like hell…and I have absolutely no idea what hell feels like, but I have a feeling it hurts without numbing you, and the pain chokes you till you cannot breathe, but you still do not die because it keeps resuscitating you, pushing you further to the edge making you wish to just fall over and for a split second you think that its actually going to stop hurting any minute from now, then you get pulled back up and the whole cycle just starts all over again.
For the first time I find myself in ‘situationships’ that am always at fault. Am at fault for not loving the one that truly loves me. Am at fault for loving truly too, how best I know how to anyways. Am at fault but maybe I will figure it out on my third, fifth, tenth repetitive mistake.
But it is okay.
What is the worst that could actually happen?
Am now going to start a list of things am apologetic about. I hope everyone I ever hurt along the way will find their apology and accept it.
Am sorry that I ignored you…made you feel less of person. Pushed you into the wrong hands in search of acceptance and love. You were perfect just the way you were. Just not perfect for me.
Am sorry I do not call as often as before. Sorry that we don’t hang out much either, and when we do, am really not there. And you know this but sit patiently with me through it all.
Am sorry I did not listen long enough to let you cry on my shoulder. Am sorry I asked you to be strong enough to make it through even though you have always been strong enough. It is okay not being okay. Take all the time you need. Am here for you.
Am sorry that I liked you and never told you. Am sorry I kept you waiting on me to figure my shit out. So sorry that you now know too.
Am sorry you love me. So sorry that I do not feel the same way.
Am sorry for loving you. Am sorry that my fingers wrap themselves around your neck. I know I can be so uptight and selfish sometimes. Deep inside am just afraid.
Am sorry for letting him stay long enough to cause tears to flow freely…and for the invisible scars to find their way to the top. Even more sorry for just apologizing about it and doing nothing.
Am sorry you left without as much as goodbye.
Am so sorry for not being exactly what you need me to be. Myself. So sorry for masking myself behind a veil of perfection and indestructible strength. I too break down every 2a.m.
Am sorry for this silence. This existential crisis. The words are just a bit heavy for my tongue so maybe I could text you back?
Sorry to you that got to like me and adopted me. I’m unstable. Surely, by now you have figured that out, right? Disappearing acts? The mental breakdowns? My bouts of anger too? I promise I am working on it. I will be better. Am sorry.
Am so sorry I forgot what day it is again. Happy belated…
Sorry I was not there when shit hit the roof and you literally had nowhere to stay. No excuse can justify not picking up your call that night.
Sorry I sleep with the lights on. Am just scared of closing my eyes. Or the boogeyman under the bed.
Sorry I forgot about us because of the other one. Terrible at balancing acts but please don’t fault me so much when I overly focus on a new thing in the hopes that I don’t ruin it.
Sorry I digress too much amidst serious conversations.
(Am hoping I have covered all my basis. Hoping that I did not forget anyone on my list. More importantly, am hoping they forgive me and not give up on me.)
So sorry if this isn’t up your ally. I know, I went all out on a rant but I had to get it off my chest.