Ode To S.
Five years that I have been gathering bits and pieces of me that you scattered so effortlessly like confetti when the whirlwind of destruction hit our little honeymoon avenue. It came scented in cheap cologne, revealing too much skin than the eyes can handle and batting fake eyelashes at you and my dear love, the way you fell on her lap? Was our forever just a faux cover on a stinking cadaver?
You was the first to call me “pretty” but I guess I was just “pretty naïve and stupid” to believe a single word you said and chose to only focus on the positive.
Five long years I have been traversing through space, creating as much distance between you and me but your shadow still lurks at the crevices of my mind, reminding me of all the good things you did, right words you said, how you said them with your eyes and on my lips all the time.
For five years I have traded my sanity with pain, anger, isolation and insomnia. But in those five years I have grown my love, and changed, not necessarily for the better I guess but I’m not the silly little minx you played like a violin.
Five days before Valentine’s Day and all your tell-tale signs went on overdrive. Ignoring my calls, monologue texts, suddenly too busy dealing with the exterminators and your aunt’s niece’s nephew. Yes all the BS your pea brain managed to come up with you dished it out even faster before editing. For five days you frolicked at the sight of me squirm to your level, scrambling not to let the crumbs of attention you gave me touch the ground. Licking your lips all too often in the midst of serious conversations to try weasel your way out of a tough situation. Guess it was just your way of lubricating your lies huh?
Five painful hours it took to get me off the bathroom floor. The cold, bland linoleum was my only friend as the tears spilled in painful bouts. The stillness of the room kinda gave space to the chaos in my mind. For five hours, I painfully felt everything for you all at once, then absolutely nothing at all.
It’s all it took for our relationship to switch from a one way infatuation-worshiped the ground you walked upon- to mutual dislike between the both of us and floundering with unknowns. You hurt me, so I guess it was only fair that I hurt you back. Eye for an eye?
And I switched to autopilot every time your name was mentioned, your mama called or I passed your cologne in the streets. Five seconds to remind myself that you are the enemy and not to have goosebumps all over, but invite the bile to choke my throat in disgust. Five seconds I detonate like the atomic time bomb I am when something new and good comes my way.
You stole my heart from my chest, with skills so suave- just like the thief you were. In those five breathes I was completely smitten by you and the idea of you, beach house in Malibu with a little you that is the spitting image of you on your shoulders, laughing deep from the belly just like you, eyelashes thick just like yours… And in those five breathes you broke my heart and now I cannot love again for I gave you pieces of me that I should have held on to a little bit longer till I was sure, but can one ever be really sure? I was damn sure you were ‘the one…’
…the one to destroy me like you did apparently.
Five heartbeats as the sun warms my face reminding me that even though I was like a moth, so attracted to the neon light that was you, I am the sun. A glow of warmth and comfort in the serenity of a new day, a burning torch guiding my path so as not to go astray with strays like yourself and a kiss goodbye “see you tomorrow” as it sets in glorious form. You will never steal that shine from me. In five heartbeats, I will look into the face of the one whom I will never have to beg to stay and feel at home.